Yesterday was quite an overwhelming day for me. It was just one of those days when life seems to be too much, when I'm too confused, when there's too much to do, the list goes on. I sat in the the living room with piles of paper work to fill out for my new van, my new personal insurance policy, my taxes and still more paper work for foster care. I found myself really having no clue what I was doing. I didn't know what to tell the insurance consultant on the other line that was really trying her hardest to help me out, nor did I know what it looked like to fill out paper work to register the car in Jeff City rather than Festus. I started to cry (which isn't a big surprise because I do often but this was a little different of a cry), yeah I had a little pity party. I boo hooded on the couch all alone because I didn't know what I was doing. Really thinking about it now, it was totally silly because there are so many more things that I don't know how to do, and if I start sitting around and crying about all of them then I'll never accomplish anything. Needless to say Holy Spirit jumped onto my bad attitude, kindly reminding me that I was probably overwhelmed because I was not heading His word very well, nor had I spent a quality amount of time with Him that day. He brought to my mind the great passage that often wrecks my life -
Philippians 4. 4-8: Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things.
Holy Spirit reminded me that this is really the answer to my overwhelming days. It's not to cry about it on the couch, trying to figure out what I should do, but it's bringing it before Him. Yeah, I will probably still cry because lets face it for some reason Jesus saved me and when He did my heart transplant, when He made me a new creation, He made my heart the softest heart imaginable. (I cry when a commercial is too good for goodness sakes!), but in the midst of those tears I really have to bring it before Him and press in.
After I got over myself, I was spent a little time reading Kisses from Katie, which will make anyone realize they need to suck it up! Then I spent the rest of the evening reading the book of James. I love and hate James all at the same time. It's so practical, but it's so convicting. I was reminded why I do what I do, because Christ saved me and He calls me to a higher life. He wants people to know and love Him, and I have been called to be a person to show Him. A verse really stood out to me while reading it, one that I've read many times before, but by being where I am in life and beginning to work with the people I do, it really came alive-
James 2.5: Listen, my dear brothers: Has not God chosen those who are poor in the eyes of the world to be rich in faith and to inherit the kingdom He promised to those who love Him?
I want to see a revival in the trailer park that our church ministers to. I want to see revival in the lives of the children that are entrusted to me. I believe it can happen, and I believe God will use them to really show others the kingdom of heaven. I'm excited to witness the moments when Jesus transforms someone's life and makes them rich in faith, though they can be seen as the outcast, poor or orphaned. Yesterday is just one day on this journey where God is going to wake me up and remind me that I am nothing without Him, and that I deserve hell, but He chose me. I wish I could say that it's a one time deal and never again will I find myself complaining and being in the pride seat again. However, I am a realistic person, and I know there will be times when God will kindly remind me that it's not about me. And, I'll probably whine a little about that too, but I will keep stretching out to hopefully be closer to God's heart and have His desires mold into my desires, the desire to see the poor in the world become rich in faith.