Monday, July 30, 2012

Now Entering Motherhood

    I've always wanted to be a mom. However, being a single mom was never in my plan. It wasn't on the "to do after college" list when I thought about my future. I thought I would get married and start a family that way. But, God wrecked my life the last year of college. He changed what I had been gearing up for, for 4 years. I thought I would be getting ready to go over seas, live in a place like China or Africa and share the news of the gospel with people. In October that changed when God halted me on filling out an application to go over seas. Then, in February it REALLY changed when God started laying children that are in the American foster care program on my heart. I began to pray, and as I prayed God changed me. All of the sudden being a single mom didn't sound so crazy. I would get to be a loving mommy to kids who have really broken lives. I secretly got on websites and did research, and saw that over 169 sibling groups/children are waiting to be adopted, not even taking into account the children in the foster care system, in Missouri alone. I'll admit saying yes made me nervous because that meant I was saying, "Yes God, I completely give my life over to your molding will."
   I was saying goodbye to the "normal" family setting, and I was going to be ok with it. I was at a crux in my relationship with God, follow and be obedient to live a life that isn't glamorous but is all in for Jesus or do my own thing. It was kind of a simple answer in my book. I've realized God has given me complete peace about being a single mom, but I know it won't be easy. There will be moments when I just want to stay in bed, when I will need a break and when, despite my best efforts to be Jesus, I will lose my temper. But I want to strive to be Jesus to these little ones. I see so often in scripture God's heart for the orphans. In James he distinctly says that religion he sees as righteous is that of those who look after orphans and widows. Through starting this process, that has been on my heart. I want to make a difference for the Kingdom, even if it's in only 1 child's life. I want to love without boundaries, I want to give without boundaries, and I want to share the gospel without boundaries.
    It's scary, really, because what do I know about being a mom? I'm 21. By the time my classes are over I will be 22. I will have kids in my home who's ages range from 5-18. Most of them will probably have disabilities, and most of them are in waiting for their parents to sign away their rights, so they can be adopted. I will be going through a private group called the Missouri Alliance, where most of the children in the program have fallen through the cracks or seen as the kids no one really wants. I want those kids. I want the little ones that others see as a burden, ruckus or unreasonable. I know it's going to be a challenge, and I know it's going to be tough. But, I want to be obedient to God, and I want to surrender the comfort of the "American dream" and live with my heart in full-fledged abandonment.
   I have already seen God provide. He's provided a wonderful couple who is helping me find a minivan, and by the beginning of next week this lady will probably be the proud owner of a 2005 Chevy Venture. (Yes, for those of you who remember the 90's version it was the Loonie Toons Van) With my internship closing on Thursday, it seems I will be staying here in Jeff City for a little while. I'm really not sure what the living situation or the job situation will look like, but I am praying for the Lord to lead me in the direction he wants me to go. I believe he is leading me to some conclusions as of now, but until I pray a little bit more, I'll save those.
    So, you're entering into a new journey in my life, being a mom. There were some points I didn't think I would survive college, but I did. Now I'm entering into motherhood, and I'm sure I'll survive this too, but I'm excited to share my experiences with you. There will be a lot of tears (and for those of you who know me tears are very common, Matt Kearns has said that for me crying is like everyone else breathing) there will be a lot of laughs, and I will probably need some advice. So, stick around, you may find it entertaining.