Edgy Life

"She was 14, with thick auburn hair that fell in unruly layers around her face. She was beautiful, but rough. Even in her short years she had experienced her share of hardship, and it showed, in the stiffness of her posture and the edge in her voice. I found out that she was in 8th grade, and liked math but didn't want anyone to think she was a nerd. She had a brother but didn't get to see him much. She was not a stranger to foster care - had slept in other people's homes off and on for as long as she could remember. Said she'd learned how to fold towels 'correctly' 10 different ways. As she talked, she waved her arms and I saw them. Words carved across her knuckles. Others over the back of her hands and up her forearms. HATE. WORTHLESS. CRAZY. Scabbed. Fresh. Evidence of pain that extended much deeper than the wounds that marked her skin. She seemed surprised when I touched her arms, gently massaging antibiotic ointment into each line, grieving with each stroke. How do I fix that kind of pain? How do I speak life to someone who has only known death? I don't always know how to heal. But I do know how to touch, how to provide the most basic of human contact. So do you. Are you willing?" (Day 13 Fostering Hope Deb Shropshire)

I was reminded of the Samaritan woman when I read this. No one wanted to be around her, she hid when she went into public and she avoided interaction with people at all times. I think that's how many children in these situations feel. If they could just push people away or not have personal interaction, they won't be mocked, they won't be hurt, they'll be safe in their solitude. I think the enemy wants us to believe that. I have had people in my life like this, and they are hard to deal with. But, the pain they feel is real, and they need Jesus. In that brokenness, I see myself because before Jesus I was the stiff, edgy person. I see what Jesus has promised to redeem and is redeeming. I'm thankful for that He changed me, and I want to see Him do the same in lives like this. I may not know how to heal, I may not know how to fix the pain, but I trust that He does. 

• Pray for children like this that don't know how to handle what's happened to them in their lives. Pray they would have soft hearts to the Holy Spirit, and pray that the Kingdom would be recognized in their lives. Pray, too, for physical and spiritual healing, there's more need than we could ever imagine. 

The End is Near

Well, I just had my last behavioral class on Saturday. It came as a little surprise because I thought we had 1 more, but we don't. In November I will take a career class and a Meds/CPR class. Career is a class that prepares you for dealing with children that are in the program for their "life." In foster terms that's until you're 18, or it can be to 21 if the child suffers from a mental disability. I feel like I learned a lot through these classes. I have learned a lot about myself, but I have gotten a lot of practical parenting knowledge. I'm thankful for that because thinking of me being a parent, even after 8 weeks of training, sometimes makes me laugh or feel like I'm still living a dream. I wake up sometimes and think, there's really no way they are going to trust me with babies (and by babies I mean kids in general, I picked that up from one of the women in my class who even calls me her baby). I just can't believe it. But, I am excited, apprehensive yes, but excited. I have decided the feeling I get when thinking about the classes being over and really being licensed is kind of like the feeling I got when I would start my first day of school every year, or when I could finally ride a bike without training wheels. It's the feeling of those butterflies in your stomach, knowing something could go terribly wrong but still being excited. It's the excitement of the unknown, too.
Through the classes the biggest thing, and I think the most helpful, I learned was about the way children react out of their fears. This really deals with the behavior of a child under traumatic stress. We wrote a paper on how we act from the fears we have in our lives, and I really learned a lot from that exercise. I think it's easy for me to have what we call in the system "the old way of thinking." This is the thought that a child is always aware of their behaviors, so they act out on purpose or to get back at you. I think this can be true in some areas of life, but the one thing that I learned was this isn't always the case. Sometimes, in the midst of fear, children go into safety mode, and the safety mode causes behavioral fears. Obviously this is triggered from the stress of a new environment, new rules, new family etc. It was good for me to learn because I think in some moments it will be easier for me to recognize those moments, and the difference between the 2 reasons for certain behaviors.
So, now that class is over, I have 2 more assessments and then I'll be licensed. I am eagerly waiting the moment when I will actually get my license, but in the meantime I will be helping another family out with their foster children. I start that on Wednesday, and I will be helping until I get officially placed with someone. I think this will be good because it will help me learn the ropes some, and I will get more kiddo experience, which I am grateful.
Also, in the meantime I am starting my "family planning." This includes a fire escape plan, rules, plans about how to clean rooms in the house, schedules and emergency numbers. All of these things have to be written out and placed where everyone can see them in the house. I have thought of a lot of cute ways to do it, but it's hard to write out stuff that you do by second nature. I want to cover everything and be fair, it's funny how this may be one of the hardest things for me to write in the meantimeness. But, hopefully I'll come up with some good explanations and good followable rules, I guess we'll see. Well, the Cardinals are losing, and I am hoping the pull through and we take the W! But, before I go to cheer them on, below I have a little bit more to read, it's an exert from Fostering Hope, and I also have my fancy official foster care graduate certificate! Enjoy!

Fostering Hope by Deb Shropeshire
"When we being to see people for who they were created to be, instead of who they are on the surface, it is easier to believe in them. And when WE believe in them, it is easier for them to begin to believe in themselves. I want to believe in people. In their potential. In the possibilities of their lives. In the awareness that a bad decision is not the same thing as a bad person. In the knowledge that we all make mistakes and none of us are perfect. In the hope that the future can be different than the past."

• Pray for the kids in foster care as they make a transition to break the chain that their family is living under. Pray they will see that they can be different, no matter what they have been told in the past. Pray the the foster parents and the workers would not see them as projects but rather as children. Lastly, pray that the foster care workers and parents would see the children and the parents as they should, in the image of God because once we start looking at people that way our perspective changes. 

Fostering Hope

I haven't written in quite a long time, and this will not be an original post. I hope to do an update post this even actually, but I wanted to share some things from a devotional I'm going through about foster care. I will give excerpts that I like from the ones I've already read, and hopefully I will continue to post some of them daily as I read them. I will also add a list of things to pray for at the end, if you are praying with me through this journey. All credit for these excerpts go to Deb Shropshire who wrote the devotionals for Fostering Hope onYou Version on the iPhone, thank you!

"'How long have you been foster parents?' I asked. "'Four years,' he replied. 'Seven kids and I miss them all. I wonder what they will grow up to be. If somehow I was able to have an impact on them. Never knew I could love someone else's child like that.' It is a special thing to be a dad. But it is a divine calling to be the dad of someone else's child. A holy opportunity." (Day 4)

• Pray for those parents who are learning how to become parents, not biologically but still in a real way. Telling family can be hard, and understanding how to be transparent with a child and their birth families can be hard. 

"'I'm not adoptable,' he stated flatly. "What?' I was surprised by him comment. 'I'm. Not. Adoptable.' He repeated it more loudly, as if perhaps he thought I was hard of hearing. He was sitting on my exam table, and I had just been looking in his ears and asking him about school and friends and girls. Then the conversation turned to family. His parents had lost their rights years ago. 'I went to this adoption party, and I overheard some people say that I'm not adoptable because I am too old.' Ad that, tears welled up in his eyes and began to spill down his face. He took a few deep breaths and went on. 'I met some people who wanted to adopt a son. They talked to me for a little while but then moved on to meet other children, and I overheard them saying that I was too old, that no on would want to adopt someone my age.' ... 'Do YOU want me? Would YOU ever adopt me?' I was frozen. Of course I wanted him to have a family; I just didn't want the effort of being it. He could sense y struggle, and his face changed again, this time looking reserved and emotionless. 'It's OK,' he said. 'My case worker says I need to spend the next couple of years learning how to take care of myself anyway.' Head down, I left the room and went on to the rest of my day, but I never forgot him. And I didn't sleep for a week. And I felt like a fraud. And I have always wondered if he should have been MY son." (Day 5)

• Pray for the older children in Foster Care/Adoptive lists. Often they are seen as the burdens in the system. It's easy for younger children to be placed because they don't have as much baggage. They know the truth and the statistics. Pray for families to desire to take in older children and love on them. 

"Her email asked how she could become more involved with helping foster kids. She wanted to volunteer at the shelter, or perhaps become a mentor. We met to discuss the options - find her a good fit. At 21, she seemed more mature that most 40 year olds I knew. I wanted to know more about her, and over several cups of coffee her story unfolded. Not too great of a childhood. Instability. Loneliness. Abuse. Pain. Lots of pain. Then, at 14 it all changed. She didn't even own a Bible. Had no context for the songs being sung or the messages she was hearing. But soon she found herself moving toward the front of the auditorium. More importantly she found her should moving toward her Creator. How did that happen? How did a kid who barely wondered if God existed wind up as a sol out follower of Christ? ..." (Day 8)

• Pray for younger adults pursing to help the Foster Care system. There is a driving reason for them to go into that line of work, and it's often because of a heart that has been through some of the same things. Pray for strength and support from their families. 

Wonderful People Wednesdays

Angela Carson is who this Wonderful People Wednesdays is dedicated to. I've had the pleasure of getting to know this woman over the course of the summer and continuing for what I can only hope is a lifetime.
There are some interesting things I've learned from her, while watching her live a true and open life before me. 1 thing I've learned is there's something to be said about being transparent even when it hurts. It doesn't always feel good to be open and honest about your life. When her kids are having major melt downs in public or her house isn't put together quite as she would like it, she presses on. Yeah, it would probably be way easier for her to have us think that Micah, Avery and Elle never cry or throw fits. It may even be easier for her if we continue to think that she has everything together every minute of the day. But, instead of hiding  and shying away from what's really going on and just put on another mask for another day, she opens those hard times to really do life with me.  I've seen the realness that she brings, and it's refreshing. It's calming, and it's challenging. I'm challenged to be honest with my life because I see what it really means to "Go First" by watching her.
I love the heart she has for resting in God's unfailing love and forgiveness, and her heart for what true humility is and what it brings. It's also been really good for me to see her being a wife to Jeff. I've never heard 1 bad thing about Jeff from her mouth, and in today's culture that's far a few between. I love to sit under her and listen to the wisdom that God has bestowed upon her, and to see that she is always striving for more. I am thankful for the time and effort she takes to spend time with me, teach me about motherhood and just talk about what God is teaching her and ask me what I'm learning. She's even been so kind to keep a look out for some things I will need when I move into my own place (and for that I'm forever thankful because there are some things I would never think about). She's a remarkable woman, all encompassing, and if you ever get the chance to spend a little time with her, take it! Don't miss out because I'm telling you, you will be blessed!

 

This image isn't mine I used it from Angela's facebook.

I thought it explained the Carson family well. 

[Hope you don't mind that I used it :)]

Musical Art

I don't draw very often because I don't think I'm the greatest, but tonight I was in the mood. I drew the easiest thing I knew to. I wanted to share it, and share some of the music that accompanied me. Check them out if you're interested.

My Love- 3rd Union

A Beautiful Mess- Jason Mraz

Take Care- Drake and Rihanna 

I Wish You the Best- Eyelit

Some Nights- Fun

Your Hands- JJ Heller

10,000 Reasons- Matt Redman 

Tell Your Mamma- Vespers

Robot- Trip Lee

Faithful- Chad Lister 

Learning, Crafting, Saving

1920 was the great awakening year when it came to children's rights. This was the first time an organization was ever created to stop the neglect, exploitation and abuse of children. This was 20 years after animal rights had already been created. This meant the for 40 years, since 1880, many children were being shoved into orphan trains to go work on farms, while others were fed left overs by the dumpsters from country kitchens. 1920 was the first time someone believed a precious child had the same right to be loved and nurtured as a cat or a dog.
That's one shocking fact that I learned this weekend in the start of my foster care classes. Some other shocking facts I learned, 9,500 children are in foster care in the state of Missouri, and only 3,400 are in homes as you read this. That means that 6,300 are in residential care where they can't have contact with the "outside world" but 2 times a week, 10 minutes each. Also, 125,00 children will lose their parents to HIV/AIDS in the U.S. this year. 150 children will die because their parent's lost their temper and took it out on them. 1in 10 teen girls are pregnant and unhoused.
I could go on and on with a lot of the things that I learned Saturday, but you may already be uninterested. Usually statistics don't mean a lot to me, but on Saturday they did. These statistics mean that God called me to a job that may never see an end. I was reminded that God has called me to a job that is way bigger than I am or than I ever could be.
In the state of Colorado, a church decided they were going to help the orphan problem they saw in their state. The number of children needing a home was rapidly increasing. Each church member decided to adopt 1-2 children from Colorado, and by that action it eradicated the orphan problem in Colorado. There are still others on the waiting list for adoptions and many have become foster parents through the process. I really wish I could look back one day and say that about Missouri. Say that my Christian brothers and sister and myself really did what we were called to do by Christ. I don't know if I ever will, but I know that I want to strive to help the abandoned. Sitting in that class I was reminded that I can't do this alone, it's no small task.
For some reason, God saw it fit to call me here, and I desire to run hard after Him, so I can run hard after the goal He has placed before me. In that room on Saturday I decided I want to strive to be the most God loving, craftiest, most money saving foster mom, so I can try to cater to as many children as the Lord blesses me with. Hopefully I will see some of those come to know Him as I know Him.
I will keep learning and watching women in my life like Angela Carson, Julie Kearns, Bobbie Underwood, Sarah Nelson and Tamika Valentine, so maybe, just maybe I can learn a little bit about being a godly woman and a godly mom, and even save a few $ along the way :) Maybe when the time comes that a little one is placed in my care, I will finally be ready. Ha who am I kidding, I'll never be ready, but maybe I'll be a step closer!

Anxiously Awaiting

Well, my foster care classes start this Saturday. I'm a little anxious. Anxious with both anticipation and then the nervousness of what lies before me. After finishing the paper work I think it hit me that my time was coming. I have the same fears as I think most mothers do: I'm not going to be good enough, I'm afraid I will ruin them, What if I totally rot as a mom? All those things fly around in my head, but I am reminded of the truths. The truth that God has called me to this, and the truth that He is the one who works all things out for the good of those called according to His purpose. That doesn't mean it's going to be easy, but it means that I am a prisoner of hope (Zechariah 2.9) and that I have hope in the Lord that even in the midst of not being good enough, He is! It's a little overwhelming, but it's so good in the same breath. I am very excited about what lies ahead because God is doing and is going to do great things. I will leave you with some photos I have taken throughout the summer. I did a little photo project with my iPhone, and I really enjoyed it. This is not all inclusive of my project, but it's some I really liked. Enjoy! 

It's easy to pass up the beauty that comes out of

a place that many would call trashy. 

 

Grace. It's such a vibrant word, and I think

sometimes I allow it to lose it's vibrancy.

There are moments when I see from a different 

perspective. Shimming under the locked stall 

is one of those times. 

Card Wash Only Laundry. The sketchy place where

interns bond and the AC is always broken!

Just another view of Card Wash

Only Laundry. 

This is a typical view of my nightstand. Well, 

usually it has about 3 more books stacked, but you

get the idea. 

This bridge leads into Jeff City. I take it when I am

Columbia. On this day I was doing just that. 

Micah Carson

Avery Carson